Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
