On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
