When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
