She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
