u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
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