Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
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