So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
