Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
