when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
She bit a glass in half.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
