There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
