do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
