Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
We are all done wearing pants today
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
