Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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