My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
