So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
