we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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