the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
