ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I think my moral compass just broke
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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