What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
