update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
