My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
