I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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