I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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