Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
