My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Randomize