If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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