It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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