Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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