does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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