I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
