Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
