Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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