im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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