so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
