people are starting to question the shark bite story
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize