woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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