did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Less talking, more tequila
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Randomize
