No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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