Define "chronic" masturbator.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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