i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
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