dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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