Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
