first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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