At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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