I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
