Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
How's work?
Spinning.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
