So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I just want nice things and good sex
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
