I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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