I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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