just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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