I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
