I looked at my own cervix.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
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