In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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