Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
