I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
